The Long Haul

I was a personal trainer in Malibu for 10 years and looked pretty darn good if I may say so myself. I worked out 2 hours a day 5 to 6 days a week.  I mean who wouldn’t look great, right?  The photo above was taken at my brothers wedding in Beverly Hills, July 1994.  Looking back I think I looked good.  No, in fact to be honest I think I looked GREAT.  But you know what?  At the time I didn’t appreciate it.  All I did then was worry about my weight.  All I do now is worry about my weight.  Today, right now I weigh 50 lbs more than in that photo. 

 I did pretty good with my weight until unfortunately a few years ago I was injured during an attempted robbery and suddenly had to stop working out.  I suffered several physical injuries and eventually became seriously depressed and pretty agoraphobic.  “Suddenly” (well, it seemed suddenly at the time) I gained 30 pounds.  Then another 10.  Then another.  And another.  Before I knew it my weight, which had been around 135 for 15 years, was 190 pounds.  Huh?  What?  Almost 200 lbs?  I didn’t even think it was possible but trust me, it was.  And is!

What’s weird is looking back I see that when I weighed 135 pounds I looked great but at the time I never thought I looked great!  I look back at photos and think WOW, Holy Moly GIRL, you looked terrific but at the time I was never satisfied.  I was never thin enough or toned enough.  I don’t know if it’s because I lived in Malibu where everybody looked great and I had people like Debra Winger, Pat Benatar and Cher in my exercise class or if it’s just a self esteem thing.

I think it’s because I tend to approach weight loss from a position of “pain.”  I constantly nag and berate myself and expect nothing less than perfection, no matter how much progress is made.  Armed with guilt, doubt and shame I’m always reminding myself of how much I need to lose instead of how much I’ve lost. It’s never about how well I did something it’s always about how I fell short.  Sound familiar?  To people used to beating themselves up, it may seem like a great way to get motivated but think about it;  if you attempted to motivated a child like this how well do you think the results would be?  How successful would they be?

So in addition to the 17 Day Diet I’m going to try to do it differently this time.  I’m going to try to approach my goals from a position of “possibilities” instead.  Are there regular rewards NOT INCLUDING FOOD you can use to pat yourself on the back?  Instead of focusing on what you didn’t do or are doing wrong, can you pay attention to what you did or are doing right?  While brutal honesty is sometimes good to get your butt moving we need sustained motivation, right? 

We need support for the long haul!

The difficulty for me is finding rewards that don’t involve food and in this economy aren’t costing an arm and a leg (Although wait just a minute, if it cost an arm and a leg wouldn’t that mean I’d actually weigh one arm and one leg less???….Oh, okay, never mind!)


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sue
    Dec 12, 2010 @ 23:28:09

    I am waiting on my book, it has been shipped! I am excited to start this new lifestlye change and no that it is going to be a success. Even though I don’t want to do it I AM going to do the before and after picture UGH


    • tksinclair
      Dec 13, 2010 @ 00:52:36

      Sue, I do sympathize with that photo! I HATE them but I was surprised to see the difference in just a few weeks! You will be too. Trust me, think of it as a tool and if you don’t take it after you lose weight you’ll regret not having that “before” photo!


  2. heather pfaff
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 02:24:11

    Keep your eyes at the finish line. Rejoice the goals you make and know that you have the opportunity to make great decisions…some right and some wrong but heck such is life.


  3. Sarah Simmons
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 06:48:07

    Been there felt like that!!! UGH I hate dieting I gained all my weight during college after giving up soccer. Finally lost it all found my husband and have ate or way through restaraunts gaining it all back!!! Finally started this diet on Saturday and I have already lost 4 pounds!!! Its hard b/c I’m not used to restricting myself from carbs but I know in 17 days I’ll get to eat them again. I’ve only done light exercising and I plan on adding more to my routine and doing the dvd but I knew if I did the first 2 days I would eat my way through the kitchen. I can’t wait to feel like myself again!
    Thank you for blogging it helps to know other people are going through this too!!!


    • tksinclair
      Dec 13, 2010 @ 09:40:09

      No Sarah, thank YOU! I’m so happy you’re here and have joined us! I hope to start having contests to give things away soon and will try to keep the site as fun as possible. I restarted Cycle 1 today and I admit I pretty much ate my way through the kitchen this past weekend too! My husband went out, out of “love” and bought me three half gallons of my favorite ice cream. We don’t have money now and he lost his job before Thanksgiving so I’m sure the $1.69 on sale ice cream seemed like a great idea at the time. And, it IS my favorite (coconut/pineapple from Rite Aid) I do have a half gallon left, ahem. Oh well…there will be slips. But today I’m back on track (of course it’s only 9:30AM! LOL)


  4. Katie
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 10:36:22

    I am so happy I found your blog. I’m 50 and fat and I’ve had enough. Some of your posts made me laugh and some brough tears to my eyes. I think we’ve been on a similar path through life. I’m from So California too. I raised a family in Orange County and recently moved to San Francisco. I was once a marathon runner, felt great and looked great but never appreciated it. Now 25 years later and 50 pounds heavier I’m a mess. This is it. I’m done with the nonsense. I was excited when I ordered the book, but after finding your blog I am super excited. I’ll be looking forward to each and very post.
    **Have you thought about posting a current photo?


    • tksinclair
      Dec 13, 2010 @ 10:47:33

      Hi Katie
      I’m so disappointed to read you’ve moved north!! We could have met and got together to not eat! (I’m in Oceanside) I’m so happy you’re here and enjoyin the blog. I hope to give things away and keep things as exciting as possible although it’s been a real challenge (a LOT of writing) in addition to my “regular” job and I’ve been asked to write (ghostwrite) for another blog! Oh well, think of all those calories I burn moving these fingers!! LOL….thank you for being here!!!


      • Katie
        Dec 13, 2010 @ 17:04:52

        I have three grown children and a house in Laguna Niguel so I am back in Orange County frequently. Went back to the gym today – I took two weeks off just because I’m fat & lazy. I also jumped on the scale – good lord, I thought I had 50 to lose – let’s make that 65. I hope I receive my book tomorrow, but in the meantime I’m officially off sugar and white stuff.

  5. Sue
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 18:25:10

    Okay, got my book and DVD today. I am going to sit down and start reading it tonight. Can’t wait! It is nice to know you are not alone in this journey.


  6. tksinclair
    Dec 13, 2010 @ 18:53:52

    Sue, I think you’ll find it’s easy to read…at least I did. It was much easier to read through than other diets I’ve tried! Good luck and yes, I agree, it’s much easier when you’re not alone!


  7. Tina
    Dec 29, 2010 @ 13:08:08

    Wow, this blog entry is the story of my life! I too, looked at pictures 5-6 years ago and i looked pretty good (I thought i was fat then). This time around when I get thru each 17 day cycle, i’m going to pat myself on the back and go onto the next. Once i hit my goal weight, which isn’t anywere it was 5-6 years ago, i’m going to appreciate who I am and what I have achieved. And I am making a vow right now, to never get back to this unhappy self that I am today!


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